my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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