Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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