dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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