So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
