my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
