he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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