the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
