The maid of honor just puked.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he was CRYING into my vagina
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
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I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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