I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize