Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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