its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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