there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And then he peed in my hair
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