im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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