I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
