VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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