The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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