I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
