I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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