I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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