Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
