My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
