I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
