Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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