i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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