Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
