just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
