I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
