I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
