wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
