i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
