so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
