ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
