Swine flu. Run for my life!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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