If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
