That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
