If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
