she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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