I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
