I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
