I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid