If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
