And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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