i think i have two assholes
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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