the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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