To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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