So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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