Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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