shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
