he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We left the knife in your bed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
