now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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