i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
