If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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