I accidentally had phone sex last night
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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