You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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