i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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