For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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